1. If you do not know what wiring needs to be done in 1C, feel free to contact the programmer - he knows all of them by heart.
2. If you do not know how to fill out a document, then when you come to a programmer, do not admit for anything in which document you have difficulties, for that he is a programmer in order to guess everything yourself. It is especially effective to ask a question like "Why is the amount not calculated correctly?" - he should know that you are sitting in Excel and cannot press the auto-sum. Also effective are the questions: “Why is my amount at the end negative?”, “Why did I have a different amount yesterday?” - you have to be a rare idiot not to understand what the speech is about. Better yet, try to come up with some universal question like: "But I have it there, I can't, because the program does not allow me to do it" - your mission is completed - you reported the problem, and what the problem is is the programmer's business, let him fix it ... Well, as a last resort, the first question should be "Do you know what I want to ask you about?"
3. If, in your opinion, the document makes incorrect entries in the document, do not tell the programmer about it for anything - it will not even take 3 months for it to be revealed by itself. And it will correct itself.
4. If the program does not allow you to write out a batch that is clearly available in the warehouse - immediately inform the programmer about it - you could not write it out incorrectly, the program is lying. The programmer is especially pleased when delving into the shipment for the last month.
5. If you made corrections retroactively - for example, in the invoice, for which there were later shipments, you changed the price, do not admit it to anyone - what kind of programmer is this who cannot write a procedure to handle incorrect user actions, but what this will affect reporting - you don't give a damn - you are not responsible for reporting. Over time, you will get a taste and will do this all the time - to the cries of the programmer that you need to warn and that the reporting is formed reasonably note - "You cannot leave mistakes."
6. If you have to ask a question, then look at the programmer to make sure that he has at least two people - he is much better at talking to three at the same time.
7. If you know that you need to make three consecutive changes to the program, then never tell the programmer all three, even if he thinks for himself a little - it's so obvious.
8. If you use a sub-account in your transactions - you never use the same account as another accountant who, for example, entered into this account - the programmer really likes to observe the credit balance on the active account, but even more the debit balance on the passive one.
9. If you are trying to put something on paper, then be sure to destroy it, otherwise the programmer will say that he did as he was told - he is a moron, and does not understand that one thing is written, but something completely different is meant.
10. If you asked to make changes to the program, and then found that it was wrong, then feel free to blame the programmer for it - “You did it this way, but it’s not working for me”, you have nothing to do with it, you could have guessed what it does wrong ...
11. If a programmer talks about some kind of reversal - do not listen to him - you do not have to understand computer terminology, feel free to correct documents for the past three months - he will not swear with you anymore - those whose accounts have changed as a result of your actions - so because they are not yours and you do not give a damn about them.
12. If business operations are carried out in violation of generally accepted rules, ask the programmer to rewrite everything in accordance with the violations, but so that the reporting is correct - it is his concern how to combine two conflicting things.
13. If you do not know how to do something in the program, because you have no idea how it is done in accounting, tell the programmer to do it - why should he then, if he doesn’t know such things, train yourself not to write anything down, but if you did write it down , immediately destroy your case by pressing the buttons, you have to work, and not think and write pieces of paper.
14. Never be precise about anything. For example, if you need to fill out a subconto directory - say - “My account is not filling up”, but do not disclose which document you have a problem with - the programmer loves to solve such charades.
15. If a programmer gives you any printed instructions, immediately throw these instructions away with him and say - "It's up to you to do it, how to explain it, but I won't read the instructions - I'm not stupid."
16. If you have achieved something from the programmer, and the document is formed normally, then try to immediately forget the rules for filling it out - the programmer takes great pleasure in explaining everything fifteen times.
17. If the programmer says that the wiring is wrong - blame everything on the corresponding account, especially since you are not responsible for it - you cannot be mistaken - only programmers and other accountants are mistaken.
18. Try not to go to the programmer - shout right from the office - let him warm up.
19. Before asking a question in any case, do not try to analyze the problem - do not look at any reports - the programmer is there for the reporting to be correct, and the fact that the documents are incorrectly drawn up is his fault - he wrote incorrectly.
20. If something goes wrong with you, immediately call the programmer and invite him to your place without explaining the essence of the problem and quickly, before he arrives, hide in the next office. While he will figure out what happened to you, you just have time to drink a couple of cups of coffee.
21. You are not required to remember all of your passwords. Be sure to see the message "enter the password" call the programmer and when he says that he also does not know and should not know your password, be indignant, shout and stamp your feet. Promise to strip him of his bonus. The accumulated emotions cannot be contained in any way, and an additional surge of adrenaline will be very, very useful for the programmer.
22. Pester the programmer ten times a day and ask him to install a new game. And when you can't play it, demand to change your computer, because all new games like Tetris, Solitaire and 1C Accounting are very demanding on computing resources.
23. If the electricity is turned off and the computers do not turn on, be sure to call the programmers. Keeping computers running is their direct responsibility.
24. If you decide to buy a computer for home, then be sure to consult with a programmer in the choice. At the same time, do not forget to say what you want for $ 100. the coolest computer in the world. Then be sure to take it with you when you visit the salon (you can't do without a loader) and then make it connect, set it up at home. And in general, until he teaches your son to play seven or eight toys, do not let him go home. By the way, don't even stutter about payment, everyone knows that programmers don't have a personal life and they are just happy when they help someone with computers.
25. If you stayed at your workplace for two hours and suddenly decided to work, be sure to call the programmer first. If he was not at his workplace, then call him at home, on his cell phone and his girlfriend. the next day, be sure to arrange a big scandal for him! And report to the management that all the deadlines were disrupted due to the negligence of the programmer. If suddenly the programmer finds himself at work (everyone knows that they are obliged to live here), then describe to him the problem (not even existing) according to the terminology discussed in paragraph 2, and then act according to the above advice.
26. Global advice. If something does not work for you, from time to time it bugs, then be sure to lower the programmer's salary and deprive the bonus - it means that it works too badly. When he finally fixes everything and everything works fine and without his intervention, then again reduce the salary or, better, fire him - now he does nothing at all.

P.S. Please do not take these rules seriously when working together :)

The work of a programmer has become so familiar that people began to actively humor about people working in this area. Along with the professional day, jokes about programmers began to appear.

Hell or Heaven?

The programmer ends up on trial after death. All his actions were weighed, checked, they would not find how to judge in order to decide. And then they decided to ask him what he thinks.

The programmer shrugged his shoulders and asks to see what heaven looks like, but how hell.

He is escorted into a huge room, a computing center. Everywhere there are wires, cars, work is in full swing, the nets are stretched.

Here is paradise, here are users.

Then where is the hell?

Yes, too, here, only you will be made a system specialist!

The programmer learns to drive

First lesson. The gray-haired instructor, who knows everything, asks the new cadet who gets into his training car:

Well, dear, and where do you work?

I am a computer programmer.

Instructor, turns pale, but is about to:

Remember, this is NOT a monitor and there is NO recovery button!

Programmers are people of a special mindset. Of course, their logic is sometimes difficult to understand for a layman, and often programmers themselves compose jokes about programmers and users.

How programmers meet

The programmer decided to meet beautiful girls and began with questions:

Girls, will you have tea?

Well, what about coffee?

He, scratching his head:

Weird. Standard drivers are not suitable ...

Continuing the theme of the personal life of people who communicate with computers more often than with people, the following jokes about programmers and their families.

How babies appear

The wife playfully says to her husband-programmer:

Darling, I dream of a child!

He, in all seriousness:

Then lie down. Let's install!

A family

The programmer's wife happily hugs him and says that they will soon have a baby.

Programmer stepping back:

Are you saying that I came out incorrectly?

Wife's tricks

The programmer works thoughtfully at the computer. His wife carefully brings him hot coffee, puts the mug on the table. He, not looking at her at all, without a word takes coffee, just as silently sips. Suddenly he frowns, and, turning to his wife, exclaims in displeasure:

I hate sweet coffee!

Honey, I know! But I so wanted to hear your voice!

The humor about the people of this profession continues a series of life situations. It is understandable why jokes about programmers will never end, because this is such a fertile topic for jokes.

Mom dear!

Announcement: Someone who is patient and adequate is needed to explain to the mother of three programmers how to connect to the Internet.

People come up with not only jokes about programmers, but also about related professions, which are also close to computer technology.

These same system administrators

Especially for the sysadmin. Instructions for dumplings.

1. We collect dumplings.
2. Making forty-five backups.

Sysadmin morning

Question: what does the system administrator do, barely waking up from a very strong drinking binge?

Answer: tests memory.

Often jokes about programmers are so specific that only they, the professionals of their code business, can understand them.

Fence puzzle

Given: unpainted fence and paint.

Q: how many programmers will it take to paint a fence?

Answer: Three brigades.

Explanation: The first team will be required to prepare a demo version of the fence. To complete the main steps, you need a second. Well, the third team is sent to repaint the shortcomings of previous works.

Correct question

Two programmer friends communicate:

Ha, do you know what separates a user from a programmer?

Of course! The programmer can answer the question posed in this way, in which there is even an answer right away.

Hmm, and how to understand this?

Well, here's a question for you: what happens if 2x2 is equal to 4?

The second on the machine:

Certain areas of programming also deserve their fun. And now you can read both jokes about 1C programmers and about application developers.

Observation

What a wonderful office we are! The ABAP programmer is working in an almost home jersey. "1C-nickname" sits in a suit, and the JAVA-programmer is generally in a down jacket, and put on a hood on top!

Knowledge

A 1C programmer is asked what he writes diligently. Answer:

We will find out how we launch it!

As practice shows, stories about the wrong side of the profession are very real jokes. The article about the bi programmer has become almost a cult article.

Cry from the heart

My job is database development. I get satisfaction and joy from the process. But then one thing began to upset me: as soon as people heard that I was working as a programmer, an inexhaustible stream of questions "which device is better to choose" immediately began. They brought me laptops and mice to be repaired, they asked me to blow out the coolers in the system units and even fix the phone. Each of my refusals and attempts to explain that a computer locksmith and my profession are completely different areas of work became the reason for all sorts of universal grievances and recognition of me as a snob.

Once I decided that I would either lose my friends and new acquaintances, or I would come up with something. Since then, when asked about the field of activity, I answer in detail that my position is "database architect", and sometimes I could add "and software shells." It became much easier, and now I am not overwhelmed with requests.

But yesterday there was a call from a friend, and I realized that I would never come up with a perfect solution. An acquaintance asked me to design a building for him. In the country. Toilet!

Progress

The grandmother is caringly addressing her 9-year-old granddaughter.

You know, Mashenka, I already kept a diary at your age.

Grandma, this is a long past century. I kept a file cabinet!

Mom, this is the last century! I will enter the database.

The more specific the profession, the weirder the humor about the representatives of the region. And as they say, a programmer is an employee who, with a clever look, will solve a problem that no one knew about. And in a way that no one understands.

It does not happen, but when the organization does not have a system for managing customer relationships, and managers scandal in an attempt to determine whose client this is - this is really a Joke!

1. There was once a sales manager. I went to get a job. How long did I send out my resume briefly, but somehow I came to the same office for an interview with the CEO. And they had an interview for six hours. The director was already sweating and the manager asked for water three times. And all can not agree in any way. They started with two hundred bucks a month - and already for two and a half kilobax they argue, and interest, and bonuses, and some other gyms, mobile communications, lunches, lifts, insurance, vacations, business trips, an office car, a laptop, a bunch of stuff the manager knocked himself out. In the end, the CEO gave up, he fulfilled all the conditions. Everything that the manager asked for was given. The manager got down to work, and in the first month he increased sales threefold, then tenfold, then a hundredfold, then he sold everything in the office, including furniture, stationery, the secretary to the men in the bathhouse, the customer database to competitors, and the boss himself to the tax ... Because that was, stsuko, a very good sales manager.

2. Why don't we have a single client?

Maybe we can change the sign?

And what do we have now?

- "Closed".

3. Axioms :

If the salesperson doesn't listen to the customer's needs, they won't close the deal.

If the salesperson tries to force himself on the customer, the customer runs away from him.

An inexperienced seller is like a sluggish elephant launched into the garden - he will trample and spoil everything, but there is no result.

The obsessive salesperson rapes the customer with his stupid beliefs. Avoid this perverse form of violence in every possible way!

An experienced salesperson listens to the client's opinion, a stupid one listens to his own.

The gloomy mood is surprisingly quickly transmitted from the seller to the client.

That the seller does not morally kill, makes him smarter

We talk a lot, but this is just an empty sound in the client's ears.

We listen a lot and don't say anything. See point 1.

The seller affects the customer emotionally. The client is charged with emotions. But the ignited match soon turns into ash, leaving only the bitterness of the sediment. The seller, communicating with the client, is like playing the harp, the strings of which represent the needs of the client: the more needs the seller identifies, the brighter and more beautiful the music of the harp.

The ability to ask questions hones the salesperson's intelligence and ingenuity. No matter how inexperienced the seller may be at the beginning of his life, over time he ennobles due to not only constant communication with clients and improving his skills, but also due to the quickness of quickly finding the right questions in the right situations. Questions-questions: Questions always require answers.

The inexperienced salesperson convinces. Experienced - creates value. A stupid leader is someone who believes that a manager who sells cheap things well can also sell high-value products. His phrase "An experienced salesman can sell everything" is maddeningly touching. He remains in this ignorance until he hires a great salesperson from one sales area, and he sells badly in a completely different one. Then he finds a scythe on a stone.

An experienced salesperson hears, not listens.

He advises, does not sell.

If you see dumbfounded customers running away from the seller, you should know - the seller is a fool! The fool-seller will be corrected either by an experienced mentor, or a lot of his own bruises.

A salesperson with a consulting method of selling is like a waiter, whose tray represents knowledge, and whose posture and polite manner represent the quality of the material presented; tip - earnings for a job well done. If the waiter does not serve the client poorly or if he drops the tray, he will not see his tip.

4. Tobacconist's. Phone call:

Do you have size 43 black men's shoes for sale?

Sorry, but our store only sells products for smokers!

Do you think smokers go barefoot ?!

5. To tell a real Swiss watch from a fake one, throw it with all your might on the concrete floor of the showroom. If the watch is real, the seller should die right there from a heart attack.

6 . A man comes to the store and says to the seller: - Salesman, give me a loaf of bread. - I'm not a salesman, but a salesperson! - What are you, man, you want to say that I'm a buyer?

7. Shop "Gardener". - Do you have shovels? - No. - And the buckets? - No! - Nails?! - No!!! - Rake ?! - No!!! - Why are you sitting here ?! - Because there are NO locks!

8. Two friends met. One of them says that he bought a wonderful elephant that carries water, provides slippers, weeds the beds and looks after the flower beds. The second persuades a friend to sell him such a miracle for one hundred thousand dollars. They meet in a few months. The buyer begins to complain: “Your elephant trampled all the plants on the site, frightened the guests, dug a hole. I don’t know what to do! ” The first one answers: "Eh, brother, you won't sell an elephant!"

9. Once in one burned-out office they took a Jew as a salesman. A month later, sales in the store had grown 10 times. The owner decided to stop by the store and see how this guy works. Approaching the store, he noticed a jeep leaving the parking lot with a huge trunk of all kinds of junk and a boat in the trailer. The owner asks the Jew. How the hell did you do that? This guy is such an avid fisherman that he bought all our expensive goods? Well, the fact is that at first he bought only the most expensive rod from me, and then I asked him how he wants to fish, from the shore or in open water? It turned out that nothing would work out in open water without a good boat. Then we came to the conclusion that his car would not take him out of the parking lot, this big boat, and I sold him a good SUV and a trailer, because there is no way without him either. Then everything else is small. Especially the fact that he walked into our department by mistake and asked for pads for his wife. To which I immediately replied. You have nothing to do at home for the next week!

10. The client turns to an elite car dealership: Client: I want to buy a Mercedes, cool, 600th from you Seller: Yes, available and on order, various configurations. Client: Are there BORDO colors? Seller: No, sorry, no BORDEAUX, but we will order the 600th BORDEAUX color especially for you at the factory. Call back in a week. A client calls a week later: Did my Mears come? Seller: Yes, as agreed. Client: 600th? Salesperson: Yes 600th Client: And the color BORDEAUX ?! Seller: In accordance with your wishes, by special order, BORDO. Client: Are the seats also BORDEAUX? Seller: Excuse me generously, you did not say anything about the seats, but this is not a problem, in a week we will deliver BORDO seats to you. The client calls the salon a week later - is my Merc ready? Seller: Yes, of course ready, everything as you ordered, 600th, BORDEAUX color, BORDEAUX seats - everything is at its best! Client: Does he have a wheel, too, BORDEAUX? Seller: Sorry for not asking about the steering wheel right away, now we will order a BORDEAUX steering wheel for your car, come for the car in a week, everything will be ready. The client came to the car dealership a week later. There he is greeted as an invited guest. Client: Where is my Merc? Seller: Here you are, there is a handsome, 600th, color BORDEAUX, BORDEAUX interior, steering wheel BORDEAUX, everything as you ordered. Client: I do not understand, but that BORDO is not GREEN ??

11. On the train, a senior official and a priest argued over which of them was of higher rank.

They call me "Your Eminence," the priest argued.

And they call me "Your Excellency," retorted the official.

A traveling salesman sitting with them in the same compartment said:

You are wrong, I have the highest rank.

When I come to the buyer, he greets me with the words: “My God! You again!"

12. - Moishe! You took out the trash for almost two hours! How can you! Where have you been hanging out?

Sarah, calm down! I sold it!

13. At the market, grandma: Buy a kitten. buy a kitten, pretty, tricolor, fluffy.

Man, buy.

man: well, show me ... .. oh, he's dead

grandma: so I'll give in ...

14 . A flock of sheep grazes in the middle of the meadow. The shepherd (P) stands with his dog, watching the flock.

Suddenly a helicopter flies in, at the same time a couple of cool foreign cars drives up. A crowd of people in expensive suits, all with laptops and all sorts of gadgets, are dumping everywhere.

The one who is in charge (D) approaches the shepherd and says: "Do you want me to tell you the exact number of sheep in your flock, but will you give me one sheep for that?"

P: Well, go ahead and do it, I’m bored anyway.

The crowd begins to swarm, everyone buried themselves in laptops, placed GPS pribluda with satellite dishes, wrote something for a long time, sent a satellite request, processed it in cool programs, got some pictures, counted something for a long time, printed 1500 pages with text, graphs and diagrams.

An hour later, G approaches P: "there are 162 sheep in your flock."

P: "Well you guessed it, take one sheep."

G walks through the flock for a long time, chooses the fatter sheep. Finally he chooses, and begins to stuff her in the trunk of a foreign car - and she resists ...

P: "Listen, the shepherd says to the chief, and let me tell you who you are by profession, and then you will return my" sheep "to me?"

G: "Come on, try it"

P: "You are a consultant"

G: "But why, as you guessed ???"

P: “Firstly, you arrived when no one called you,

Secondly, you answered a question that no one asked you,

Thirdly, you asked for a good payment for the answer,

and fourthly, you do not understand anything about my business, so give me back my dog! "

15. Businessman to businessman: - You name your price. I name my price. Then we both laugh and get down to serious conversation.

16. Classics of the management genre.
At work, they introduced fines for being late to meetings. The fines are monstrous -
the number of minutes late is multiplied by the minute salary of everyone who
was waiting for you.
What do you think helped, people stopped being late?
Kakbe is not so. Who knows for sure that they are not in time for the meeting, just by
it does not suit him.
On x ... th it is necessary - to pay a fine.
17. Today in the morning meeting. Boss:
- Sayings like "Work is not a wolf - it will not run away into the forest" - not about our
company! And "War-war, lunch on schedule" - not about our company "!
Sad voice of the manager:
- Work until you die, and if you die - hand over the cases. This is about our
company
18. The boss at the meeting:
- It was I who used to be so angry and screwed you all up, because before
my secretary was not there.
19. If your boss scolds you for being late, tell them that you are a night owl.
For persuasiveness, bulge your eyes terribly and devour a vole mouse.

20. Factory directors ask:

What are the prices for your products?

Contractual.

What does it mean?

We in the team agreed that we would not sell our products cheaper.

21. The director of a computer manufacturing firm calls his sales manager:
- And what is this ridiculous application? Two hundred computers in waterproof cases in the Sahara Desert.
“Nothing special, sir. It's hot there - so I advised them to work under the shower.

22. It is difficult to find the same cheerful and carefree salesperson as in the store “Varnishes and paints”.

23. - How much do you have bagels?
- 10 kopecks each. thing.
- And in the bakery opposite they are only 7 kopecks!
- So go there and buy them there!
- They have no bagels now.
- When I don't have bagels, I sell them for 5 kopecks. thing!

24. The man was desperately looking for a job. Came to the men's store
clothes and almost on my knees asked to take him. Master at the end
I couldn’t resist the end and said:
“Listen, I'll take you, but only on one condition. See there
That pink-yellow-green suit in the corner? It's been three years since I've had it
can't sell. I'm going to lunch now, and if you have it during this time
sell and consider that you have a job for the rest of your life.
And with a malicious smile he left.
When he returned, the man, seeing him, joyfully exclaimed:
- I sold the suit !!! I sold the suit !!!
The owner looked at him with dismay. The guy's clothes were torn
to shreds, his face was scratched and bleeding.
- What's happened? - the owner asked in a daze, - the client started a fight or what?
- No, no, - replied the man, - but his guide dog just got mad ...

25. 2050th year.
- Grandpa, do you remember the crisis, America bent down, the Japanese went bankrupt, the European Union collapsed?
- Of course, granddaughters.
- Is it true that Abramovich then went bankrupt and sold pies on the market?
- True, granddaughters.
- How did he become a billionaire again?
- He took ten from those who came to see it.

26 . Two oligarchs meet:
- Listen, I bought myself such an elephant!
- An elephant? What the hell?
- He mows the grass around my house.
Every morning he takes the children to school. Brings back later.
He does lessons with them, cooks breakfast.
Guards at night ..
- Are you kidding.
- I answer. Such is the elephant ...
Pause.
- Listen, sell !!!
-What. An elephant like that?
- How many?
- Well, ooh ... Well, I don’t know. Well, 6 lemons.
-Deal.
A week passes.
The new owner of the elephant calls the old one ...
- Hey, I don’t understand what happened to the elephant….
- What's wrong with him?
- Yes, he is kind of strange.
Trampled the whole lawn, yells at night, broke the guest house,
and today he began to destroy a big house.
Pause.
- You are ... You shouldn't be scolding the elephant like that.
- Why?
- You won't sell.

27. - I have done you a great honor by receiving you, - the businessman said to the insurance agent, - today my secretary has already nominated seven agents!
“Yes, I know,” the agent replied. “They… it's me.

28. Husband and wife push their car to the repair shop. The husband says to his wife:
“The guy who sold us this car was right about something.
- Namely?
- The fact that this "car" almost does not consume gasoline.

29. - Why are you asking for alms from the statue?
- I got a job as an insurance agent.
- AND?
-That's how I accustom myself to refusals.

30. At the hairdresser:
- I only want to shave one side. Will it cost me half the price?
- Okay, sit down. Which side should you shave?
- Outside!

31. There are two salespeople, two old friends who have not seen each other for a long time. One asks the other:

How are you doing?

Another answers:

You know! Just great!! During the week, I had five negotiations with key clients, sent 25 presentations of our services, agreed that in the next quarter we will conclude a contract for a tidy sum…. And how are you?

You know, I didn't sell anything either ...

32. Salesman's apprentice to the chef:
- The client bought shoes, but he will bring the money tomorrow.
- What? He will never appear here again.
- No matter how it is! I put two left shoes in his box.

Jokes about the 1C program

NS I beg you to make me public!
Don't convince! I do not believe!
What can work fine
1c accounting!

WITH Once a colleague was trying to update 1C, and he called the accounting department: "Get out of the accounting department!"
It takes about twenty minutes, he cannot get through to the accounting department, and in the user monitor, everyone is sitting and sitting. I decided to go and find out what was the matter ...
At the door of the accounting department he discovers all the accountants in full, who are interested: "When can I go back to the accounting department?"

WITH vezhie news from 1C firm.

The new version addresses the issue of expanding the toolbar.
In addition to the standard "Recalculate" button, additional buttons will be added
“Recalculate as I want”, “Recalculate as the Tax Inspectorate wants” and “Recalculate correctly”.

O a new standard password "1C" is opened - CTRL + ALT + DEL

Have me the allocation is red, what should I do ???
It turned out that there were negative numbers in the WWS.

G The main job of an accountant is to keep the 1c programmer busy!

Have 1C-nickname miracles in a dream and appears in front of the heavenly gates.
- What's happened? Where I am?
The saint, leafing through the book, answers:
“You see, my dear, you are dead.
- Yes, it cannot be! - interrupts 1C-nickname, - I'm so young, I recently went to the doctor for an examination and everything was fine.
- And we just calculated all the hours worked for which you invoiced clients and it turned out that you are already 88 years old.

WITH Eight Troubles - one RESET

Z Wonok to the Franchise company, which is engaged in finishing the UPP:
- We need to add a little functionality to RTU!
- It costs $ 150 / hour. But it will be better for you if you read the ZhKK and do this work yourself.
The client, surprised by such frankness, asks:
- Does your boss know that you are hindering business in this way?
- In fact, this is his idea. We make a lot more profit when we let our clients try to write something on their own first.

NS the programmer 1c writes to his wife in ICQ:
If I come home drunk today, don't scold me too much
End if
(1C programming in Russian)

M the scarlet boy was bored.
He turned on his dad's computer, played Counter-Strike, and got killed.
I played 1C accounting - taxed.

A case from the life of a programmer

I'm sitting in an unfamiliar office at the chief accountant's computer, like I'm looking at what they managed to do there with 1C. The chief accountant went out somewhere, having managed, however, to complain that Odinesina was slowly opening up to him ...
Indeed, it is very annoying that even directories open slowly. A person runs in and asks if their programmer has come here. Having received a negative answer, he runs away. Another person, apparently a programmer, runs in and wonders how the windows are opened. I, as a programmer to a programmer, declare that they open very slowly. And in general, everything here is very slow.
The chel looks at me in a strange way and wonders if there is anyone else here. Probably, he meant, normal, mentally healthy. Then it turned out that plastic double-glazed windows had recently been installed in the office and it was a representative of a "window" company! ...

E There is a legend that the name 1C came about due to the fact that the developers wanted all the reports of the program to be filled in no more than 1 second! It took no more than one day.

20 answers you need to know to be a 1C consultant:

1. It depends on how you configure.
2. This is a bad translation from 1c language.
3. This is in another module.
4. How did we get here?
5. Good question. I would like to see how it works.
6. It will be in one of the next versions. I don't know which one.
7. You would not like to do this.
8. Let's try and see what happens.
9. This question relates to the Basis.
10. I don't know, the expert will be here on Monday.
11. Is this the way it is supposed to work !? What are you doing!
12. You shouldn't do this, but if you do, call emergency help.
13. Trust me, I know what I say.
14. In VBA: 1C, a report can be written to obtain this information.
15. I'm sorry, but I'm late for the plane (to the club).
16. This is a program error.
17. Please allow me to call the programmer from Rarus.
18. OSS doesn't work.
19. This will be in the next version, you must not modify this one!
20. And the most important answer: This is outside the specifics of your business.

B The ughalter conducts "black" bookkeeping ...
Suddenly 1C crashes with a message (well, as usual): the program has performed an illegal operation and will be closed.
Accountant: Damn, but how did they know?

NS I go to update 1c by subscription ITS ...

And on the computer the password (blocking the computer), I ask boo-shi:
I - Can I have a password?
she is not allowed
I dropped for 30 seconds ...
I - How to update?
she - the password is "no" in the English layout ...

NS I once quarreled with the chief accountant. She spent two weeks thinking about what kind of prank I could do. Made it up. He takes the 1C icon from the desktop and erases it, and then writes a memo to his superiors that “she has no program, she didn’t do anything, let the administrator come and figure it out.” I come and restore the icon. This is repeated five times. She said "until you apologize, it will continue." The bosses do not want to listen to me - go, tune, and that's it. There is nothing to do, sit at the computer, write a batch file: ifnotexist С: My documents ... desktop1c.lnkcopyc: 1.lnk С: My documents ... desktop. I stuff this creation into the scheduler, forcing it to be done every three minutes. I launch it, delete the shortcut - after three minutes it will re-materialize by itself. A miracle of technology, and nothing more.
The day is next. The chief accountant comes to me with the chief and demands “to put the program back on”. From the chief accountant to the chief - a minute and a half to go. From the boss to me - another two minutes. This means that the bag should have worked and restored the ill-fated label. I inform the people who came that while they were walking, I fixed everything. The chief accountant insists: no, let's go look. We come and see. The label is in place. I solemnly say: "You see!" The boss praises me for my good and quality work. Towards the end for this couple comes again, and again I send them. The chief accountant is in confusion.
In one day. I'm sitting with the boss with papers to sign. The chief accountant comes in, the chief yells: "What, again?" The chief accountant nods in fright, the chief yells: “Go to ... a lot of work, sort it out yourself. The chief accountant leaves. She is waiting for me outside the door. , I say: “I have already fixed everything.” She: “How?” Me: “I went from the boss’s computer.” She: “Aaaa ... well, okay.” She leaves, upset.
After n days I took a day off. Coming back. The boss comes to me, laughs: "Tell me what happened." I'm telling the whole story. I go to the chief accountant. She is completely angry with me. Apparently, she hoped that during the day off I would not be able to restore this unfortunate label. She washed him during the whole working day, as soon as he appeared. Apparently, she wanted to drive me. I check the basket - it almost crumbles from these erased icons. Realizing that her focus has failed, now the chief accountant comes up with a new dirty trick. I only wonder which one ....

D about how I became a 1C programmer, the word "salary" caused me only positive emotions.

N and the work began to slow down 1C, and it is interesting to slow down - nothing was printed under my password, and nothing was saved under the password of my partner. The programmer was in no hurry to come, so I had to save the documents under my password, then go out, enter under the password of my partner and print. Hemorrhoids, in short. This is the background. In short, one fine working day (there was just a rush job and a lot of people in the office) the director ordered to collect the invoice very quickly. I naturally tried to enter the program, but this bastard wrote something like "Another user entered with your password." My remark to my partner, said with absolutely no ulterior motive:
- Lesha, get out of me!
Silence fell in the office.
Partner's answer:
- Wait a second, I haven't finished yet.
Neither he nor I at first understood why all the people began to laugh wildly.

G hatches "1C" - for accountants the best remedy for boredom!

A the algorithm of the 1C implementator in the company (pulled from the misty).

1. come;
2. advertise;
3. put to test;
4. sell;
5. put a working copy;
6. teach users how to work;
7. help transfer data;
8.Reduce the transfer jambs;
9. teach users to work again;
10. teach accounting to work;
11. to sort out the shoals of the first three months of implementation that screwed up bukhs;
12. sign the act;
13. Answer a month to questions like "why is this so";
..........
14. change the phone number.

A dmin on the phone ch. to an accountant - take a flash and insert it into a computer,
The Chief Accountant (a man) crawls under the table and shouts into the phone from under the table:
- I have two holes here, which one to poke?

N y and your requests, said the 1C database and hung